There is Nothing Like a Dame
by ColdFusion180
Summary: Remy leads his teammates in obsessing about the one thing that absolutely can not be found around the Acolyte base. Besides sanity that is.


**Note: This story takes place before my story "Mutant Histeria".**

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**There is Nothing Like a Dame**

"Stupid Mags," Remy cursed as he trudged into the recreation room.

"What's the matter, Gambit?" Pyro asked looking up from reading a book. Piotr was seated in a chair drawing in his sketchbook while Sabertooth and Mastermind were in the middle of a game of pool. "Get caught trying to sneak out of the base again?"

"Yeah," Remy sighed slumping onto the couch. "I'll just have to try later when Mags is busy working on stuff. Though he wouldn't have caught me if I hadn't been so distracted."

"What distracted you?" Piotr paused in his sketching.

"Oh, just the thought of taking in the many cultural and cosmopolitan opportunities one can pursue in this enlightened day and age," Remy said smoothly.

"Translation: you were thinking about picking up chicks," Sabertooth growled setting down a beer.

"Yeah," Remy admitted. "Specifically one special and lovely _femme_ in particular."

"Figures," Sabertooth snorted.

"Hey, you can't really blame me," Remy defended. "It's not like we get to interact and socialize with a lot of attractive _femmes_ around here."

"None that aren't crazy or want to kill us," Sabertooth quipped.

"And such an environment just ain't healthy," Remy continued. "It's not good for man to be alone. He needs to be with someone who enjoys mutual attraction, witty banter and long periods of cuddling."

"You're telling me," Mastermind sighed missing his shot. "I can't remember the last time I was able to enjoy a beautiful woman's company."

"What, you mean you've never used your powers to disguise yourself in order to get close to a woman?" Sabertooth grunted.

"Well, yes I have," Mastermind admitted. "But then they run off screaming after repeatedly slapping me in the face and hitting me over the head. Let's just say it's hard to maintain an illusion when one's attention is occupied with certain _signorinas_."

"That's it!" Remy exclaimed jumped to his feet in exasperation. "We gotta find a way to convince Mags to get some dames around here."

"Dames?" Piotr frowned in confusion.

"Yeah. You know: _femmes_, chicks, broads, girls, ladies, **women**," Remy gave him a look.

"Oh," Piotr blinked.

"Forget it Cajun. There's no way the boss will allow any chicks around here," Sabertooth growled. "Especially around you! Besides, having a squad of chicks permanently stationed here would be nothing but trouble."

"How can you say that?" Remy stared at him. "I thought you enjoyed engaging _femmes_ in a variety of social activities."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I want to **live** with them," Sabertooth snapped. "Hang out with, yes. Live with, no way!"

"Okay," Remy rolled his eyes. "What if we had some _femmes_ to hang out with who didn't live with us?"

"Now you're talking," Sabertooth grinned.

"Great," Remy turned towards Pyro. "How about you, _homme_? Wouldn't you enjoy reveling in the company of a hot, attentive dame?"

"Eh, I dunno," Pyro shrugged glancing at his book. "I don't really care who I'm with as long as they like being around fire."

"Well what if the dame was a mutant who had the ability to make fire?" Remy asked. "Like that _petite_ fire-starter over at Xavier's?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot all about her!" Pyro smiled in realization. "In that case, let's do it!"

"Alright!" Remy grinned.

"I do not know. It does not seem necessary to have a female presence around here," Piotr commented. "Things seem to be just fine the way they are. Do you really think being near females is worth it?"

"Of course it is!" Remy declared standing in front of him. "Just look at us!" He dramatically swept his arm around the room. "_We got powers that are grand. We got music and TV._"

"_We got base accommodations where the room and board are free,_" Mastermind remarked.

"_We got tools and motorcycles and fountains made out of flames,_" Pyro added.

"_What ain't we got?_" Remy shouted.

"_We ain't got dames!_" Sabertooth, Mastermind and Pyro roared back.

"Oh no," Piotr groaned lowering his head into his hands. "Here we go again!"

"Hehehehehe!" Pyro giggled leaping up from his seat. He began to happily skip about the room. "_We get animals to dance!_"

"_We get burn marks on our clothes!_" Mastermind sighed.

"_We get in all kinds of mischief!_" Remy smirked.

"_As the madness level grows!_" Sabertooth grunted.

"_We get punished by Magneto when we flood the base with gel!_" Pyro laughed maniacally.

"_What don't we get?_" Remy addressed his teammates.

"_You know darn well!_" The rest of the Acolytes minus Piotr shouted at him.

"I am glad someone here does," Piotr moaned. "Since I apparently do not know when to leave the room when I have the chance."

Remy paused his exhortations and struck a dramatic pose. "_We got nothing to embrace, cherish and adore..._" He reflected sadly. "_What we want is what there ain't no substitute for..._"

"I wish I could find a substitute for **me** right now," Piotr sighed.

"_There is nothing like a dame! Nothing in the world!_" The other Acolytes sang out strongly. "_There is nothing you can name, that is anything like a dame!_"

"If you say so," Piotr said in an attempt to stop the performance. "Can I go now?"

The Acolytes ignored him and continued to prance about. "_We feel restless, we feel blue!_" Pyro chirped.

"_We feel lonely, fit and sore!_" Mastermind winced rubbing his back.

"_We feel every kind of feeling!_" Sabertooth grunted.

"_But the feeling of l'amour!_" Remy placed a hand over his heart.

"I know what **I** am feeling right now," Piotr groaned.

"_We feel pushed beyond the limits of what any sane men should!_" Mastermind declared.

"_What don't we feel?_" Remy shouted.

"_We don't feel good!_" Sabertooth snapped.

"No kidding," Piotr moaned.

"Come on _homme_. Just think about it," Remy moved next to Piotr and draped an arm around his shoulders wistfully. "_Lots of things in life are beautiful, but brother..._" He sighed longingly. "_There is one particular thing that is nothing whatsoever in any way, shape or form like any other..._"

"Well," Piotr considered the point slowly. "Maybe..."

"_There is nothing like a dame! Nothing in the world!_" The other Acolytes bellowed passionately. "_There is nothing you can name, that is anything like a dame!_"

"I think I am starting to see your point," Piotr grabbed his pencil and began to sketch furiously.

"_Nothing else is built the same!_" Sabertooth and Mastermind gestured in unison as Remy and Pyro skipped around in the background. "_Nothing in the world!_"

"_Has a soft and wavy frame, like the silhouette of a dame!_" Piotr held up his sketchbook which displayed several such examples in a variety of poses.

"_Parbleu_, I think he's got it!" Remy shouted happily.

Piotr smiled as he got to his feet and sang out in revelation. "_There is ab-so-lute-ly no-thing like the frame! Of...a...dame!_"

"Yeah!" The Acolytes cheered and pranced around in jubilation. Sabertooth and Mastermind did jigs while Remy and Pyro skipped in a circle with Piotr. "Bring on the dames! We're ready! We're willing! We're able! Yahoooooo!"

"Wait a second," Piotr paused and tilted his head in consideration. "_But suppose a dame's not nice. Or just treats you like a thing._"

"_Or is very empty-headed and becomes less interesting,_" Mastermind frowned and stopped dancing as well.

"_It's a waste of time to worry whether dames will lose their pall!_" Remy waved and assured them.

"_Be thankful they exist at all!_" Sabertooth and Pyro shouted at them.

"Okay!" Piotr and Mastermind smiled and began dancing about once again.

"Yeah!" All the Acolytes cheered happily. "_There is nothing you can name, that is anything like a dame!_"

"_There are no books like a dame!_" Pyro cackled tossing the one he had been reading aside.

"_And nothing looks like a dame!_" Piotr flipped through several more pages worth of silhouettes he had sketched.

"_There are no drinks like a dame!_" Sabertooth threw the rest of his unfinished beer over his shoulder.

"_And nothing thinks like a dame!_" Mastermind sighed rubbing his head dreamily.

"_Nothing acts like a dame!_" Remy declared jumping onto the back of the couch. "_Or attracts like a dame!_"

"_There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here!_" All the Acolytes sang out in unison. "_That can't be cured by putting him near! A girly, womanly, female, feminine DAAAAAAAAAMMME!_"

Unnoticed out in the hallway, Magneto slowly turned and walked away having witnessed their entire performance. "And they wonder **why** there are no female recruits around here."

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**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "There is Nothing Like a Dame".**


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